Obituary to Food Carts
Food Carts lived a good life but died in Portland from heart failure, on the cusp of the 2017 housing boom. No one really knows how old she was, since her birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
The early years
Food Carts
The Life and Death of a Neighborhood Icon
She selflessly devoted her life to service at vacant lots, empty parking spaces, city parking lots, and street corners. She helped people find good food without fanfare or foolishness.
For years, she ignored petty rules, defied silly laws, and brushed off frivolous lawsuits.
People credited her with teaching valuable lessons: customer taste is king, the customer is always right, and Fast Food just doesn’t cut it.
Food Carts lived by simple, sound business practices—always open on time. She followed reliable, time-tested marketing strategies that respected one unshakable rule: the customer, not the business, calls the shots. She also believed it was perfectly fine—honorable, even—to care about your neighborhood.
A veteran of the Vanport Flood, the Downtown Boom, and the Eastward Spread, Food Carts stood resilient in the face of cultural and educational trends—body piercing, whole language, and “new math.” But her health took a turn for the worse when she caught the “If-it-generates-a-large-number-of-apartments-the-city-will-approve-it” virus.
Food Carts: Her Mid-Life Crisis
In recent years, her waning strength couldn’t hold off the onslaught of well-meaning but overbearing city and county regulations.
She watched in pain as self-serving lawyers tore apart good lots.
Her health declined further as city government pushed nonstop pro-builder and contractor-friendly policies.
One report said city officials charged a Food Cart owner with abuse after he scolded a homeless man who insulted a customer.
Another report revealed police arrested a customer just because he looked Mexican. These events crushed her spirit.
Things got worse when city rules required cart owners to get approval before giving aspirin to employees but banned them from asking if workers felt sick or needed rest.
Finally, Food Carts lost her will to live.
The city banned old covenants, destroyed churches to make room for mega-apartment complexes, and passed laws favoring construction based on skin color.
The Housing Bureau inserted itself into everything—from tiny storefronts to massive stadiums.
When a woman won a massive lawsuit for burning herself with hot coffee—because she didn’t realize it was hot—Food Carts gave up for good.
The Final Chapter
As the end neared, she drifted in and out of dementia. Still, she stayed aware of absurd regulations involving things like incandescent bulbs, wind turbines, and solar panels.
Food Carts buried her parents, Corner Groceries; her husband, Small Restaurants; her daughter, Ice Cream Parlors; and her son, Strip Clubs.
She left behind two step-brothers: Big Restaurants and Fast Food.
Not many showed up at her funeral – most people didn’t even notice she was gone.