The political season is once again upon us and we need to be ready for those who insist on representing us in congress. Here are fifty things you should be ready to say to your budding congress person.
1. Can we trade you for what’s behind door #1?
2. If we throw a stick, will you leave?
photo credit: olgaberrios
3. You need to be faster than a herd of turtles stampeding through cottage cheese.
4. It may be that your single purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
5. Tell them you have PMS and a gun. They won’t question you?
6. Your office will be the insane asylum for the universe.
7. Your office will just be a padded cell.
8. Congress has too many freaks, and not enough circuses.
9. Yours isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
10. Oh, okay! We take it back. Unscrew you.
11. Learn to practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
12. Don’t worry…I forgot your name too.
13. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
14. Awww. Did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
15. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
16. I don’t know what your solution is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
17. How about never? Is never good for you?
18. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
19. We’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
20. You don’t work here. You’re a politician.
21. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
22. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy is visiting us again.
23. Your day will not be complete until you have terrified a total stranger.
24. We know you love deadlines – especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by.
25. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
26. You are validating my inherent mistrust of politicians.
27. You have plenty of talent and vision. You just need to give a damn.
28. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
29. We will always cherish the initial misconceptions we had about you.
30. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
31. The fact that we don’t understand you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
32. Any connection between your reality and ours is purely coincidental.
33. What are your constituents? Flypaper for freaks!?
34. We’re not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
35. It’s a thankless job, but you’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
36. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be….?
37. You don’t look like a people person?
38. You started out with nothing upstairs and you still have most of it left.
39. Sarcasm is just one more service you can offer.
40. Yes, in fact YOU ARE an agent of Satan. Thank God your duties are largely ceremonial.
41. So you’re a feminist…isn’t that cute.
42. Don’t worry about errors you’ll make. Others will be blamed.
43. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
44. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
45. We’ll tell you what we need, and you’ll tell us how to get along without it.
46. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
47. Chaos, panic, & disorder – your work here is done.
48. I thought you wanted a career; turns out you just wanted a pension.
49. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
50. Oh I get it…like humor…but different.